Feelings

I have been having a lot of feelings lately: can't get out of bed feelings, can't fall asleep feelings, quick to anger feelings, quicker to judge feelings, ain't going my way feelings, feelings of insecurity, feelings of love, feelings of regret, feelings of gratitude. Some are easier to deal with than others. Still, it's all together too many feelings. And it's exhausting me.

I'm tired of them swimming around in the viscosity of my inner self, trying vainly to attach themselves firmly to a feeling-receptor, succeeding only in briefly being recognized before being ousted by another feeling. Before I know what I'm feeling, I'm feeling something else.

And it's all, I think, my body's response to my parents' impending and untimely flight across the country next week. I keep asking myself why they are coming out here. Why make the 4000 km trip out here to tell me how they feel about our wedding/marriage/"life-style choice"? They have been telling me how they feel steadily since I came out to them a year and a half ago. And, really, in a slightly less direct way they have been telling me for my whole life. What do they think they stand to gain? What do they think will change? What could they possibly have to say that they haven't already said?

I hope they don't come armed with Bible verses, mandates from God, and ultimata, because they've already done that. And even before they tried those tactics, other people had tried them on me. Heck, I'd tried them on my own self. It's old hat. It's the oldest hat in the history of headwear.

And I've moved on to other things.